Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"
The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"
The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."
The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."
The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"
The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
;-)
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Monk
Very good story, read it til da end...........
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night here?"
The monks graciously accept him, give him dinner, and fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some time next year, the same man faces breaks down of his car in front of the same monastery.
The monks gain accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz etc. etc.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
>>
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But you can't know what it is because you're not a monk.
;-)
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night here?"
The monks graciously accept him, give him dinner, and fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some time next year, the same man faces breaks down of his car in front of the same monastery.
The monks gain accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz etc. etc.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
>>
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But you can't know what it is because you're not a monk.
;-)
Mix up...
This poor guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.
All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
"Damn!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's."
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
All the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.
Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.
"Damn!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"
"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. "It'll just have to be someone else's."
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Motoring Tip
Motoring Tip
Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red light.
Look at the guy in the car next to you, roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS window down.....
look at him and yell..... "Oh, did you fart too?"
Next time you are in a car with a friend, and you pull up to a red light.
Look at the guy in the car next to you, roll down your window really fast (like you want to talk to him), and when the guy rolls HIS window down.....
look at him and yell..... "Oh, did you fart too?"
5 toughest questions women ask
The 5 toughest questions women ask - and their answers
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
"What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Cricket
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to a Sassy Magazine article, the best answer to this question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
"Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
The wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
The third question also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
"Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
And the fourth question.....
"Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
And finally, the fifth one....
"What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
;-)
LMAO....
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:
"What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Cricket
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to a Sassy Magazine article, the best answer to this question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
"Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear."
The wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
The third question also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
"Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
And the fourth question.....
"Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
And finally, the fifth one....
"What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."
This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well, yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
;-)
LMAO....
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
two large pots
A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts" the pot said.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life.
:-)
At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. I have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts" the pot said.
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?
That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.
You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. Remember to appreciate all the different people in your life.
:-)
Psychologist
Banta goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
Banta turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
Banta looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
Banta again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands Banta. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.
Banta turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"
Banta looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"
Banta again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."
The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."
"Me!?" demands Banta. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"
Rodeo
Two cowboys were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.
;-)
One said, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.' Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.
;-)
Advt... gone wrong...
The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper, which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.
MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs.. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY: Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs.. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY: Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs.. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
MONDAY: For sale: R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.
TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred In R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs.. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."
WEDNESDAY: Notice: R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale -- R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs.. Kelly who loves with him."
THURSDAY: Notice: I, R. D. Jones, have no sewing machine for sale. I intentionally broke it. Don't call 948-0707 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs.. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she has now quit.
Rhyme
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your sister.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away,
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Hic Hic Hurray.......!!!
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your sister.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away,
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Go To Hell".
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Hic Hic Hurray.......!!!
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
Ear Job
A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him.
The surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right".
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears".
"Well, an ear is an ear, what's wrong? Can't you hear?"
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand anything!"
;-)
The surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you right".
After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel.
The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman's ears".
"Well, an ear is an ear, what's wrong? Can't you hear?"
"You're wrong, I hear everything, but I don't understand anything!"
;-)
Did I read that sign right..............?
Did I read that sign right..............?
In a public restroom of a hi-rise office building:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.....PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
In a public restroom of a hi-rise office building:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER.....PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
TGIF.... SHIT
A businessman got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly,
He again answered,"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,"'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
;-)
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated,"T-G-I-F," more slowly,
He again answered,"S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered,"'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
;-)
Husband Mart
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Minnesota where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself," Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.
;-)
There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself," Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"
The fourth floor sign reads:
Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?"
So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.
;-)
absolute funny shit.....suss that....
This is absolute funny shit.....suss that....
Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen.
One named I cum and the other one named No cum.
No cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No cum Tu.
For velly obvious reason No cum and No cum Tu not have any children.
One day, No cum went out of town on business and I cum came over and spent the night with No cum Tu.
That night I cum came and No cum Tu came too.
This makes both very happy.
However about 7 or 8 months later, No cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come, he named it, How cum u cum.
Of course, I cum and No cum Tu know How cum u cum came but to this day No cum not know how come How cum u cum came!
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen.
One named I cum and the other one named No cum.
No cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No cum Tu.
For velly obvious reason No cum and No cum Tu not have any children.
One day, No cum went out of town on business and I cum came over and spent the night with No cum Tu.
That night I cum came and No cum Tu came too.
This makes both very happy.
However about 7 or 8 months later, No cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come, he named it, How cum u cum.
Of course, I cum and No cum Tu know How cum u cum came but to this day No cum not know how come How cum u cum came!
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
Love....
I once had a friend who grew to be very close to me. Once when we were sitting at the edge of a swimming pool, she filled the palm of her hand with some water and held it before me, and said this: "You see this water carefully contained on my hand? It symbolizes Love."
This was my observation....
"As long as you keep your hand open albeit with care, and, allow it to remain there, it will always be there."
"However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, chances are that it will spill through the first cracks it finds."
"This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you."
"For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings."
"Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand."
"It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. "
"It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."
Love and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
This was my observation....
"As long as you keep your hand open albeit with care, and, allow it to remain there, it will always be there."
"However, if you attempt to close your fingers round it and try to posses it, chances are that it will spill through the first cracks it finds."
"This is the greatest mistake that people do when they meet love...they try to posses it, they demand, they expect... and just like the water spilling out of your hand, love will retrieve from you."
"For love is meant to be free, you cannot change its nature. If there are people you love, allow them to be free beings."
"Give and don't expect.
Advise, but don't order.
Ask, but never demand."
"It might sound simple, but it is a lesson that may take a lifetime to truly practice. "
"It is the secret to true love. To truly practice it, you must sincerely feel no expectations from those who you love, and yet an unconditional caring."
Love and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
reason...
An 80-year-old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" The doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle, and do you know what happened?" The doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
simple problem...
IF
1 = 5
2 = 25
3 = 125
4 = 625
5 = ?
Think.......
Scroll down for Answer
answer is 1
Are you thinking too much?
Going off the tangent?
Do not keep forgetting the history!
Remember the first line? 1=5?
MORAL OF THE ..........
Don't complicate simple problems....
:-):-):-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
1 = 5
2 = 25
3 = 125
4 = 625
5 = ?
Think.......
Scroll down for Answer
answer is 1
Are you thinking too much?
Going off the tangent?
Do not keep forgetting the history!
Remember the first line? 1=5?
MORAL OF THE ..........
Don't complicate simple problems....
:-):-):-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
2 days
You guys know I hardly blog anything other than cheap jokes, least of all these inspirational stuff, but this one made a bit of sense.
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is Yesterday with all its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.
Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone forever.
The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with all its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and its poor performance; Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet to be born.
This leaves only one day, Today. Any person can fight the battle of just one day. It is when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.
It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad, it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, Live but one day at a time.
God wanted us to enjoy today, therefore it is called "PRESENT"... the gift of GOD. Enjoy...
Have a rocking life...
:-)
(P.S. Soon will be back with cheap and lewd stuff......He He He !!)
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is Yesterday with all its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains.
Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone forever.
The other day we should not worry about is Tomorrow with all its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and its poor performance; Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow's sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds, but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow, for it is yet to be born.
This leaves only one day, Today. Any person can fight the battle of just one day. It is when you and I add the burdens of those two awful eternities Yesterday and Tomorrow that we break down.
It is not the experience of Today that drives a person mad, it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, Live but one day at a time.
God wanted us to enjoy today, therefore it is called "PRESENT"... the gift of GOD. Enjoy...
Have a rocking life...
:-)
(P.S. Soon will be back with cheap and lewd stuff......He He He !!)
Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer....
Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer....
In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died!
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life....
The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life....
THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take your clothes off."
THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide."
THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?".
THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"
THE STOCK BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."
THE BANKER: because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
THE HUNTER: (girl's favorite) because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
THE TELEPHONE GUY: because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?
Because..Good gals go to Heaven..BAD Gals go ANYWHERE !!
;-)
THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take your clothes off."
THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide."
THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?".
THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"
THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"
THE STOCK BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."
THE BANKER: because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
THE HUNTER: (girl's favorite) because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
THE TELEPHONE GUY: because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?
Because..Good gals go to Heaven..BAD Gals go ANYWHERE !!
;-)
A Dinner Conversation gone wrong...
A Dinner Conversation gone wrong...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (With a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Shit."
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
The Ryan's Steakhouse Story
Funny shit.
;-)
The Ryan's Steakhouse Story
by Anonymous
Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.
Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.
I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.
I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one’s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.
What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.
Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.
But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no fucking toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.
Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
;-)
The Ryan's Steakhouse Story
by Anonymous
Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.
Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.
I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.
Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.
I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one’s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.
What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.
Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.
But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no fucking toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.
Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
Letter
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter stood before his boss, ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you discovered?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders... you name it -- a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "But I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did.
Do you know what the letter said?
scroll down.....
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No...? (scroll down a little more)
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Hmmm... You didn't get the letter either, huh?
Hmmm... LMAO ;-)
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you discovered?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders... you name it -- a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "But I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter personally signed by me to each one of these good people." And so they did.
Do you know what the letter said?
scroll down.....
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No...? (scroll down a little more)
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Hmmm... You didn't get the letter either, huh?
Hmmm... LMAO ;-)
chat rooms
Chat Room for you.....
Honestly...(pun intended)
BTW, I am 21/unmarried/USA......LMAO....
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Honestly...(pun intended)
BTW, I am 21/unmarried/USA......LMAO....
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
A. A. A. D. D.
Hi!
I'm sure some of you can relate, and those that can't, well . . . this might explain why we are the way we are.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. .
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
I'm sure some of you can relate, and those that can't, well . . . this might explain why we are the way we are.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. .
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
sister-in-law
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over four years when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend...She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. "
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her clothes and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is: . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Always keep your condoms in your car....
There was only one thing bothering me.
That one thing was her sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me. "
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her clothes and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is: . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Always keep your condoms in your car....
An inspiration .......
Mary Kay Ash said, "Those who are blessed with the most talent don't necessarily outperform everyone else. It's the people with follow-through who excel."
* * * * *
Today's Action Point:
Fifty people over the age of ninety-five were asked, 'If you could live your life over again, what would you do differently?'
The answers were varied, as you can imagine, but three kept coming up and ended up dominating the study:
* If I could do it all again, I would reflect more.
* If I could do it all again, I would risk more.
* If I could do it all again, I would do more things that would live on after I'm dead.
It's something to think about, isn't it?
* * * * *
Fascinating Facts:
There is one seven-letter word that contains nine other words without any of its letters being rearranged.
The nine words contained therein are:
the
there
he
in
rein
her
here
ere
herein
And the seven-letter word itself?
THEREIN.
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
* * * * *
Today's Action Point:
Fifty people over the age of ninety-five were asked, 'If you could live your life over again, what would you do differently?'
The answers were varied, as you can imagine, but three kept coming up and ended up dominating the study:
* If I could do it all again, I would reflect more.
* If I could do it all again, I would risk more.
* If I could do it all again, I would do more things that would live on after I'm dead.
It's something to think about, isn't it?
* * * * *
Fascinating Facts:
There is one seven-letter word that contains nine other words without any of its letters being rearranged.
The nine words contained therein are:
the
there
he
in
rein
her
here
ere
herein
And the seven-letter word itself?
THEREIN.
;-)
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
Mind Matters:
Mind Matters:
1). There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why? (This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral-thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions, which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying).
2). A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can this be?
3). A man is wearing black. Black shoes socks, trousers and gloves. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
4). Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? (This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. A very well known software company as an interview question supposedly uses it for prospective employees).
5). A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
6). A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out. (This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out).
Scroll down for the solutions...
SOLUTIONS...
1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the elevator buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.
2. The surgeon was his mother.
3. It was daytime.
4. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
5. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
6. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so the man no longer needed the water.
(This is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation. Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages).
;-)
1). There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building. Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining! Why? (This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral-thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible solutions, which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying).
2). A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can this be?
3). A man is wearing black. Black shoes socks, trousers and gloves. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
4). Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones? (This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. A very well known software company as an interview question supposedly uses it for prospective employees).
5). A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
6). A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out. (This puzzle claims to be the best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the satisfaction of figuring it out).
Scroll down for the solutions...
SOLUTIONS...
1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the elevator buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.
2. The surgeon was his mother.
3. It was daytime.
4. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.
5. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.
6. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so the man no longer needed the water.
(This is a simple puzzle to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation. Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages).
;-)
Proper dosage of Viagra.......
Proper dosage of Viagra.......
With the Girl that you just met in the bar and managed to bring to bed.....Viagra not needed...
With an ex-girlfriend you met out of blue and managed to bring her to bed..... ½ tablet of Viagra....
With your mistress..... 1 tablet of Viagra.....
and.....
With your wife......100 tablets + X Rated Movie + Beer + Rum....
;-)
With the Girl that you just met in the bar and managed to bring to bed.....Viagra not needed...
With an ex-girlfriend you met out of blue and managed to bring her to bed..... ½ tablet of Viagra....
With your mistress..... 1 tablet of Viagra.....
and.....
With your wife......100 tablets + X Rated Movie + Beer + Rum....
;-)
Bad Time...
A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself.
Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?"
"My mother died in May and left me 25,00,000," the friend answered.
"Boy, that's tough," the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me 50,00,000."
"Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man.
"Last month my aunt died and left me 10,00,000," the friend added.
"That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man.
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single rupee!"
Approaching his friend, he commented, "You look awful. What's wrong?"
"My mother died in May and left me 25,00,000," the friend answered.
"Boy, that's tough," the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, "Then in June, my dad died leaving me 50,00,000."
"Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you're depressed," said the man.
"Last month my aunt died and left me 10,00,000," the friend added.
"That's a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!" replied the man.
"Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing! Not even a single rupee!"
Banta goes to a Sex Specialist Doctor for consultation....
Banta goes to a Sex Specialist Doctor for consultation....
Banta: "You know, doctor, my erection is not as good as it used to be..."
Doctor: "Are you married?"
Banta: "Yes."
Doctor: "How often do you do it with your wife?"
Banta: "I don't let my wife sleep all night long, doctor!"
Doctor: "Do you have a lover?"
Banta: "I have two of them. I meet with each of them at least once a week."
Doctor: "Do you also have any sex at work?"
Banta: "Oh yes, sure, 5-7 times a week."
Doctor: "..and any other random relations?"
Banta: "Of course, several times a week."
Doctor: "Then you must restrict yourself! You're having too much sex!"
Banta: "Thank God doctor!! I thought it's because I masturbate too much."
Banta: "You know, doctor, my erection is not as good as it used to be..."
Doctor: "Are you married?"
Banta: "Yes."
Doctor: "How often do you do it with your wife?"
Banta: "I don't let my wife sleep all night long, doctor!"
Doctor: "Do you have a lover?"
Banta: "I have two of them. I meet with each of them at least once a week."
Doctor: "Do you also have any sex at work?"
Banta: "Oh yes, sure, 5-7 times a week."
Doctor: "..and any other random relations?"
Banta: "Of course, several times a week."
Doctor: "Then you must restrict yourself! You're having too much sex!"
Banta: "Thank God doctor!! I thought it's because I masturbate too much."
Quick Wit
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding???? Who did she play for?"
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied, "No kidding???? Who did she play for?"
Divine Right
Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn’t bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.
One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.
A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.
The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn’t bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.
MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN FROM VENUS - THE TANDEM STORY
Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story."
"The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
Later in the day, "The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted:"
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca, the second by Gary and then so on....don't miss the fun!)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"she wondered wistfully.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Asshole.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bitch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wanker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get fucked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat shit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
P.S. Needless to add, Rebecca and Gary did not score too high on the tandem story assignment.
Well, here's a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
In-class Assignment for Wednesday "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story."
"The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
Later in the day, "The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted:"
STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca, the second by Gary and then so on....don't miss the fun!)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth - when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"she wondered wistfully.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm such a air headed bimbo who reads too many Mills & Boon novels."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Asshole.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bitch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wanker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Slut.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Get fucked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eat shit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
P.S. Needless to add, Rebecca and Gary did not score too high on the tandem story assignment.
Wet Dreams...
A patient complained to a doctor that he wetted his bed every night.
"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor said.
"Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's
pee."
"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, "No, we've already peed."
Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So? Did you do as I said?
"Yes, I did."
"Did it help?"
"Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."
"How?"
"As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's shit a little."
"Before it happens, do you see any dreams?" the doctor said.
"Yes, doctor. Usually I see a dream in which a small demon comes and says, 'Let's
pee."
"OK," the doctor said. "Next time you see the demon, say, "No, we've already peed."
Next time the patient came to the doctor, the latter asked, "So? Did you do as I said?
"Yes, I did."
"Did it help?"
"Yes, doctor. Only, it made the matter worse."
"How?"
"As I said 'We've already peed,' the demon nodded and said, 'Then, let's shit a little."
Why and How Bush won...
Why Bush Won...
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
... And then he voted.
I was hanging out with a republican friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned."
... And then she voted.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," She asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
... And then she voted.
;-)
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
... And then he voted.
I was hanging out with a republican friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned."
... And then she voted.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," She asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
... And then she voted.
;-)
A Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator....
A Chinese caller speaking to another Chinese telephone operator....
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name .
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name .
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
just one question................
There is just one question................
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Camera Advt.
I think I would like to lay my hands on atleast a 7 Mega Pixel Camera... the results will be awesome...
LMAO...
;-)
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
LMAO...
;-)
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Flashlight
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
LMAO... ;-)
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
LMAO... ;-)
Dream
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
Something Bothering
Something Bothering ...
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Small Partitions
Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off.
After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade.
"Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."
"I'll take you."
"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."
"I want you."
So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade.
"Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."
"I'll take you."
"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."
"I want you."
So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."
Brain Teaser
See If You Can Figure Out What These Words Have In Common.......
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Voodoo
Assess
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Are You Peeking Or Have You Already Given Up? Give It Another Try....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OK... Here You Go... Hope You Didn't Cheat. SCROLL DOWN
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Voodoo
Assess
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Are You Peeking Or Have You Already Given Up? Give It Another Try....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OK... Here You Go... Hope You Didn't Cheat. SCROLL DOWN
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word.
Absolute cute...
Absolute cute...
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Court Scene
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on the day in question.
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting on my swing in my front porch on a warm spring evening, when the young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Banner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just lay down and said to him..."Take me young man...Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool's day!" ... and that's when I shot the little BASTARD!
;-)
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on the day in question.
Little old Woman: There I was, sitting on my swing in my front porch on a warm spring evening, when the young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Banner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just lay down and said to him..."Take me young man...Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool's day!" ... and that's when I shot the little BASTARD!
;-)
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Mallika Sherawat
Mallika Sherawat decided to commit suicide and laid down on the railway tracks with her legs wide open.
Next Day, the headlines in The Times of India... "Rajdhani Express Missing".
;-)
Next Day, the headlines in The Times of India... "Rajdhani Express Missing".
;-)
Share Market
Once upon a time in a village a man appeared who announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs. 10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys went out in the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at Rs. 10 and as supply started to diminish and villagers started to stop their effort he announced that now he would buy at Rs. 20.
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching moneys again. Soon the supplies diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs. 25 and the supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs. 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs. 35 and when the man comes back you can sell it to him for Rs. 50."
The villagers queued up with all their savings to buy back the monkeys.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Phir na woh aadmi mila na us ka assistant……..Sirf bandar hee bandar rah gaye!!!!!
That was the beginning of the end. The villagers never saw that man or his assistant thereafter. Only monkeys were left, and not all were in the captivity.
This is SHARE MARKET.
;-)
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching moneys again. Soon the supplies diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs. 25 and the supply of monkeys became so that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs. 50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business his assistant would now buy on behalf of the man.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs. 35 and when the man comes back you can sell it to him for Rs. 50."
The villagers queued up with all their savings to buy back the monkeys.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Phir na woh aadmi mila na us ka assistant……..Sirf bandar hee bandar rah gaye!!!!!
That was the beginning of the end. The villagers never saw that man or his assistant thereafter. Only monkeys were left, and not all were in the captivity.
This is SHARE MARKET.
;-)
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Dictionary for decoding women’s personal ads
Dictionary for decoding women’s personal ads
40-ish…………………………..49.
Adventurous…………………..Slept with everyone.
Athletic………………………….No breasts.
Average looking………………..Moooo.
Beautiful…………………………Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure…………..On medication.
Feminist…………………………Fat.
Free spirit……………………….Junkie.
Friendship first………………….Former slut.
New-Age…………………………Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned…………………..No BJs.
Open-minded…………………..Desperate.
Outgoing…………………………Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional…………………….Bitch.
Voluptuous……………………..Very Fat.
Large frame…………………….Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate……………..Stalker.
;-)
40-ish…………………………..49.
Adventurous…………………..Slept with everyone.
Athletic………………………….No breasts.
Average looking………………..Moooo.
Beautiful…………………………Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure…………..On medication.
Feminist…………………………Fat.
Free spirit……………………….Junkie.
Friendship first………………….Former slut.
New-Age…………………………Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned…………………..No BJs.
Open-minded…………………..Desperate.
Outgoing…………………………Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional…………………….Bitch.
Voluptuous……………………..Very Fat.
Large frame…………………….Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate……………..Stalker.
;-)
How to screw a telemarketer
Do you hate getting phone calls from telemarketers as much as I do?
Well, here are some ways to get your revenge!
1. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER of a voice as you can, “But I don’t have any friends…Would you be my friend?”
2. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
4. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
5. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with
your dinner conversation.
6. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
7. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…louder…louder…louder!
8. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
9. If they start out with, “How are you today?”, say “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems…”
10. Catch them off guard by saying in a husky voice, “What are you wearing?”
11. Cry out in surprise, “Helen, is that you? I’ve been hoping you’d call! How is the family?” When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really a male.
;-)
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Well, here are some ways to get your revenge!
1. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER of a voice as you can, “But I don’t have any friends…Would you be my friend?”
2. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
4. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
5. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with
your dinner conversation.
6. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
7. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…louder…louder…louder!
8. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
9. If they start out with, “How are you today?”, say “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems…”
10. Catch them off guard by saying in a husky voice, “What are you wearing?”
11. Cry out in surprise, “Helen, is that you? I’ve been hoping you’d call! How is the family?” When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really a male.
;-)
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Breast Test
Hey...
Go to the site and check your skills to separate out a fake pair from a real one.
No touching just seeing... I know I am such a tease... LMAO!
http://www.c4wkg0blin.com/breasttest.html
Good Luck !!
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Go to the site and check your skills to separate out a fake pair from a real one.
No touching just seeing... I know I am such a tease... LMAO!
http://www.c4wkg0blin.com/breasttest.html
Good Luck !!
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Wal Mart Scam
BE WARNED!
I don't know how many of you shop at Wal Mart, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while shopping at Wal Mart.
This happened to me and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
As you are unloading your cart two seriously good-looking 18 or 19 year-old girls come over to your car. They start washing your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their chests almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having "fun" with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and most likely tomorrow.
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
I don't know how many of you shop at Wal Mart, but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam while shopping at Wal Mart.
This happened to me and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
As you are unloading your cart two seriously good-looking 18 or 19 year-old girls come over to your car. They start washing your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their chests almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having "fun" with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and most likely tomorrow.
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Quota
Manmohan Singh to Bush - We are sending Indians to the moon next year.
Bush - Wow! How Many?
Manmohan Singh - 100
25 - OBC
25 - SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorist Affected
5 - Kashmiri Migrants
9 - Politicians
and if possible
1 - Astronnaut
;-)
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Bush - Wow! How Many?
Manmohan Singh - 100
25 - OBC
25 - SC
20 - ST
5 - Handicapped
5 - Sports Persons
5 - Terrorist Affected
5 - Kashmiri Migrants
9 - Politicians
and if possible
1 - Astronnaut
;-)
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Condom Advt...
Before the football match between Argentina and Brazil, an Argentinean condom company came up with this ad to show the Brazilians what they were going to do to them.
Brazil won the match and their Football organization replied to the ad.
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: This e-mail and any files transmitted with it are for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged information. Any disclosure, copying, or distribution of the message is prohibited and may also be unlawful. The recipients acknowledge that Khushi Impex Biz is unable to ensure or guarantee the integrity of/over the contents of the information contained in e-mail transmissions. The recipient further acknowledges that any views expressed in this message are those of the individual sender and no binding nature of the message shall be implied or assumed unless the sender does so expressly with due authority of Khushi Impex Biz. This e-mail has been successfully scanned for presence of virus. However, it is recommended to scan the attachment before launching.
Brazil won the match and their Football organization replied to the ad.
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: This e-mail and any files transmitted with it are for the sole use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain confidential and privileged information. Any disclosure, copying, or distribution of the message is prohibited and may also be unlawful. The recipients acknowledge that Khushi Impex Biz is unable to ensure or guarantee the integrity of/over the contents of the information contained in e-mail transmissions. The recipient further acknowledges that any views expressed in this message are those of the individual sender and no binding nature of the message shall be implied or assumed unless the sender does so expressly with due authority of Khushi Impex Biz. This e-mail has been successfully scanned for presence of virus. However, it is recommended to scan the attachment before launching.
Diarrhea
Pappu blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother, Jeeto, tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something.
He continues. "Pappu!" Jeeto screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."
He stops and eventually she leaves for a short trip to the store. Pappu starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.
Jeeto comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
;-)
He continues. "Pappu!" Jeeto screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."
He stops and eventually she leaves for a short trip to the store. Pappu starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet.
Jeeto comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. Diarrhea everywhere! She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and diarrhea is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you alright?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever seen a fart!"
;-)
What does it cost to have a Celebration ...
So True...
;-)
What does it cost to have a Celebration ...
JUST IMAGINE...
A winter evening.
Four friends.
One rain.
Four cuppa Tea.
Hundred bucks for petrol.
A rusty old bike.
And an open road.
Maggi noodles.
A hostel room.
Roommates...
4.25 a.m.
3 old friends.
3 separate cities.
3 coffee mugs.
1 Internet messenger.
Rain on a hot tin roof.
Pakoras deep-frying.
Neighbours dropping in.
A party.
You and your mom.
A summer night.
A bottle of coconut oil.
A head massage.
Gossiping about absent family members.
You can spend hundreds on birthdays, thousands on festivals, and lakhs on weddings, but, to celebrate all you have to spend is your "Time".
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
;-)
What does it cost to have a Celebration ...
JUST IMAGINE...
A winter evening.
Four friends.
One rain.
Four cuppa Tea.
Hundred bucks for petrol.
A rusty old bike.
And an open road.
Maggi noodles.
A hostel room.
Roommates...
4.25 a.m.
3 old friends.
3 separate cities.
3 coffee mugs.
1 Internet messenger.
Rain on a hot tin roof.
Pakoras deep-frying.
Neighbours dropping in.
A party.
You and your mom.
A summer night.
A bottle of coconut oil.
A head massage.
Gossiping about absent family members.
You can spend hundreds on birthdays, thousands on festivals, and lakhs on weddings, but, to celebrate all you have to spend is your "Time".
Thanks and regards,
Lokesh Grover
Hand Phone: +91 98 10 19 28 28
KHUSHI IMPEX BIZ
Facsimile: +91 11 41 73 00 50
MSN IM: lokeshgrover@hotmail.com
Jewelry
An older man walked into a jewelry store on a Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
;-)
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque.
"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
;-)
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