Saturday, June 03, 2006
Name
Santa to the Airhostess after reading her name tag: "Susan', that's cute. What did you name the other one?".
Jesus
Who was Jesus...???
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black.
He called everyone "brother."
He liked Gospel.
He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish.
He went into His Father's business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian.
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Californian.
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot all the time.
He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish.
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures!!
But the most compelling evidence of all, the 3 greatest arguments that comprehensively prove that Jesus was a woman.
He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black.
He called everyone "brother."
He liked Gospel.
He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish.
He went into His Father's business.
He lived at home until he was 33.
He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian.
He talked with his hands.
He had wine with every meal.
He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Californian.
He never cut his hair.
He walked around barefoot all the time.
He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish.
He never got married.
He was always telling stories.
He loved green pastures!!
But the most compelling evidence of all, the 3 greatest arguments that comprehensively prove that Jesus was a woman.
He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do.
2030
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than that spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember what to do with them.
P.S. Can you believe it? Monica turned 30 last month. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
P.S. Can you believe it? Monica turned 30 last month. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
Stress
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's clinic.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his cabin alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
:D:D:D
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his cabin alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
:D:D:D
Wealth
One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Oh Yeah" said the son.
"So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
With this the boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are."
Too many times we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don't have. What is one person's worthless object is another's prize possession. It is all based on one's perspective. Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty we have, instead of worrying about wanting more.
Take joy in all you have, especially your friends.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Oh Yeah" said the son.
"So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
With this the boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are."
Too many times we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don't have. What is one person's worthless object is another's prize possession. It is all based on one's perspective. Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty we have, instead of worrying about wanting more.
Take joy in all you have, especially your friends.
ORGANIC vegetables
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?".
The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?".
The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Golf
Santa was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me. I don’t know what hole I’m on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7; you’re on 6."
Santa thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again, kind of embarrassed.
"I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost again. Can you please tell me what hole I’m on?"
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I’m on 14; you are on 13."
Again Santa thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished, he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.
"I’m in sales."
Santa replied, "No kidding? So am I. What do you sell?"
She said, "Its too embarrassing to tell."
After Santa kept pleading to know what she sold she said she’d tell him if he promised not to laugh. Santa promised.
She said, "I sell tampons."
Santa immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn’t laugh."
Santa replied "I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper. I’m still one hole behind you."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I’m on 7; you’re on 6."
Santa thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again, kind of embarrassed.
"I’m sorry to bother you again but I’m lost again. Can you please tell me what hole I’m on?"
She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I’m on 14; you are on 13."
Again Santa thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished, he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living.
"I’m in sales."
Santa replied, "No kidding? So am I. What do you sell?"
She said, "Its too embarrassing to tell."
After Santa kept pleading to know what she sold she said she’d tell him if he promised not to laugh. Santa promised.
She said, "I sell tampons."
Santa immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn’t laugh."
Santa replied "I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it. I sell toilet paper. I’m still one hole behind you."
15 year reunion
Hey...
A lot has changed over the last 15 years!!!
Please find attached the pictures of my college farewell in 1991...
... and the class reunion few weeks ago.
I am intimidated to even think what will happen in another 15 years.
Ciao!
A lot has changed over the last 15 years!!!
Please find attached the pictures of my college farewell in 1991...
... and the class reunion few weeks ago.
I am intimidated to even think what will happen in another 15 years.
Ciao!
Dimaag Ki Dahi......
Aaj Tak gets news that 100 sardars are killed in a train accident at Amritsar station. Only one sardar remains alive.
The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?
Sardar: Oye ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha, sab log platform par khade gaadi ki wait kar rahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki Shatabdee Express platform number 2 par aa rahi hai. Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log apni jaan bachane ke liye patri par kood gaye. Aur shatabdee gaddi PATRI par aa gayi.
Aaj tak: Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin koode...
Sardar: Oye nahin ji, main to suicide karne ke liye patri par hi leta tha. Jaise hi announcement hui, to main platform par chad gaya.
The correspondent goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?
Sardar: Oye ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha, sab log platform par khade gaadi ki wait kar rahe they. Achanak announcement hui ki Shatabdee Express platform number 2 par aa rahi hai. Jaise hi sab ne suna ki gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log apni jaan bachane ke liye patri par kood gaye. Aur shatabdee gaddi PATRI par aa gayi.
Aaj tak: Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin koode...
Sardar: Oye nahin ji, main to suicide karne ke liye patri par hi leta tha. Jaise hi announcement hui, to main platform par chad gaya.
Nationality Dating
Nationality Dating
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
..............................
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
..............................
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
..............................
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
..............................
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
..............................
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
..............................
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
..............................
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in.
One week later her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
..............................
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN!!!
WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
..............................
IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
..............................
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
..............................
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
..............................
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
..............................
INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
..............................
BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
..............................
MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in.
One week later her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
..............................
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN!!!
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