"Good news or bad news?"

"Good news or bad news?"

Robert De Vincenzo, the great Argentine golfer, once won a tournament and, after receiving the check and smiling for the cameras, he went to the clubhouse and prepared to leave. Some time later, he walked alone to his car in the parking lot and was approached by a young woman.

She congratulated him on his victory and then told him that her child was seriously ill and near death. She did not know how she could pay the doctor’s bills and hospital expenses.

De Vincenzo was touched by her story, and he took out a pen and endorsed his winning check for payment to the woman. "Make some good days for the baby," he said as he pressed the check into her hand.

The next week he was having lunch in a country club when a Professional Golf Association official came to his table. "Some of the boys in the parking lot last week told me you met a young woman there after you won that tournament." De Vincenzo nodded. "Well," said the official, "I have news for you. She’s a phony. She has no sick baby. She’s not even married. She fleeced you, my friend."

"You mean there is no baby who is dying?" said De Vincenzo.

"That’s right," said the official.

"That’s the best good news I’ve heard all week." De Vincenzo said.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.
When you consistently maintain a positive frame of mind, you'll become known as a problem-solver rather than a complainer. People avoid complainers. They seek out problem-solvers.

You can give in to the failure messages and be a bitter deadbeat of excuses. Or you can choose to be happy and positive and excited about life.

The difference between can and cannot are only three letters. Three letters that determine your life's direction.

Being positive or negative, are habits of thoughts that have a very strong influence on life.

Amazing Santa ji... Banta ji...

Hijade ek shaadi ki badhai dene gaye.
"Haye haye main to 1100 lungi".
Dusri Boli "Main to 2100 lungi".
Peeche se Santa bola "Abey 2310 le lo, usme FM bhi hai!!!"

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Doctor asks Santa to give urine sample, stool & sperm sample for his yearly checkup.
Santa: I'm in a hurry doc, can I leave my underwear!


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Interviewer: What is skeleton?
Santa: Skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!


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Jailor: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phansi di jayegi.
Sardar: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Jailor: Kyon has rahe ho?
Sardar: Main to uthta hi subha 9 baje hoon!


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Santa sent SMS to his BOSS: Me sick, no work.
Boss SMS back: When I am sick I kiss my wife try it.
Two hours later Santa SMS 2 boss: Me ok now, your wife very sweet.


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Santa ki chatri mein hole tha, kisi ne pucha, umbrella mein hole kyu?
Sardar bola: Oye barish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega.


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Teacher: Translate - Bazaar mein goliyan chal rahi hain.
Santa: The Tablets are walking in the market.


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Santa: Why has the Govt. fixed voting age 18 yrs & marriage age 21 yrs?
Banta: Govt. ko pata hai ki desh sambhalna aasan hai, lekin biwi ko nahi.


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Santa kaafi time baad pind geya, Pind di Jameen to Mitti fad ke te sungh ke bolea: "Pind di Mitti di khushbu hi vakhri hundi aa".
Banta: Kanjra dhyan nal vekh Eh suki hui Shit aa...


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Banta: Pareshan lag rahe ho.
Santa: Yaar baap ban ne wala hu.
Banta: Yeh to khushi ki baat hai.
Santa: Lekin biwi ko nahi pata.

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Santa bada dukhi tha, kisi ne pucha itni tension me kyon ho?
Santa: Ek dost ko 3 lakh plastic surgery ke liye diye the, ab use pehchan nahin pa raha...


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Teacher askd Santa: What is d meaning of TAMSO MAA JYOTIR GAMAYA?
Santa: "Tu so ja maa, main Jyoti de ghar ho ke aaya".


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Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet.
Santa: Why did you come so far. Instead you could have posted it.


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Why did Santa sleep with a scale?
Because he wanted to measure how long he has Slept.


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Driver: Sir ji, petrol khatam ho gaya, gaadi aage nahi ja sakti.
Banta: Chalo Phir, wapis le chalo.


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What a rip-off!

Santa picked up a book called 37 Mating Positions. He goes home, opens it... and it turns out to be a book on chess!


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Santa: Wo dekh teri biwi ko saanp kaat raha hai.
Banta: Are tension mat le, zeher bharwane aya hoga...


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An Englishman and Banta inside the toilet.
Englishman: Good evening, how do u do?
Banta: Good evening, we open the zip and do.


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Banta: Kal Muje 10 logo ne Peeta.
Santa: Phir tune kya kiya?
Banta: Maine kaha salon ek-ek karke aao.
Santa: Phir?
Banta: Phir kya, Salon ne ek-ek karke dubara Peeta !

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Pappu: Ajj madam ne 1 swaal puchhya jisda jawab sirf mainu hi pata si.
Santa: Mera biba beta, ki swaal si?
Pappu: Swaal si ki blackboard kol susu kine kita hai?


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Inspector to Banta: Faansi se pehle, bata teri antim ichha kya hai?
Banta: Mere per upar aur sar neeche kar ke faansi de do..!


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Amli: Doctar ji tuhanu tankay lagonay aunde hun?
Dr: Haan ji, daso kithay lagonay ne?
Amli: Aa lo ji chapal te la do...!


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Pappu: Dad, main itna jawan kab banunga ki main mummy ko bina bataye ghar se bahar ja sakoon.
Santa: Beta, itna jawan to aaj tak main bhi nahi hua...


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Banta mujra dekhne gaya, sari raat mujra dekha.
Bai ne kaha: Sahab humne aap ko khush kiya, ab aap hume khush karo.
Banta utha aur khud nachne laga.


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Santa: Rab ji aap mainu 100 Rs devo ta 50 main Gurudware de avanga.
Thodi dur ja ke us nu 50 Rs mil gaye.
Santa: Wah rabba ena vi Bharosa ni, apne pehle hi kat laye...

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Bante de ghar buddi mar gayi. Saare kehan lagge: Bebe mainu lai jaandi! Mainu lai jaandi!
Banta vichon uthh ke kehenda: Saaleo! Bebe ne SUMO kiti hoi si ki?

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Banta ke ghar ladka hua, par wo phir bhi dukhi tha?? Kyon?
Itne saalo baad, itni manato k baad ladka hua wo bhi chhota sa...!


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Teacher: Aisi kisi jagah ka naam batao jise banaya to aadmi ne hai par fir bhi wo wahan par ja nahi sakta?
Papu: LADIES TOILET!


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Teacher: Asmaan me udne wali ande deti hai, jamin pe rahne wali bache deti hai. Kaun hai jo asmaan me udti hai par bachche jamin par deti he?
Santa: Airhostess!


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Banta: Life ko kaun zyada achhaa bana sakti hai, Girlfriend ya Wife?
Santa: WIFE. Bas, honi kisi aur ki chahiye!


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Santa ne PCO pe jate hi PCO wale ko 2 thappad laga diye. Socho kyon?
Because PCO ke bahar likha tha, dial karne se pahle 2 lagaye...

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Teacher: Light Kitho Aandi Hai?
Pappu: Mere Nankeya De Gharon.
Teacher: Kinwe?
Pppu: Jado Light Jandi Hai Papa Kehndy ne 'Saleya ne Pher cut ti".


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Santa: What's the name of ur car?
Banta: I don't know but it starts with "T"
Santa: Kamal hai yaar teri gaddi tea nal start hundi hai, apni te Petrol nal start hundi hai.


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Santa, Banta & Bobby were going on a motorcycle. Policeman gives hand to stop.
Santa shouted: Oye pagal, pehle hi 3 bethe hain tu kahan baithega?


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Jeeto: Doctor ne mujhe ek mahine ka aaram aur kisi Hill station par jaane ko kaha hai, hum kaha jayenge?
Santa: Kisi Dusrey Doctor ke paas!!!


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Samundar de kande baithe han, Kadi tan lehar aaogi,
Kismat badle na badle, CHAPPAL TAN DHOTI JAUGI,
So always think positive.


****************************************************************

Santa went to international cooking contest. When judges came to him, he was moving spoon in empty kadhai.
Judge asked: Kya bana rahe ho?
Santa: FUDDU…

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Boss: I'm giving you driver's job. Starting salary Rs. 3000, is it OK ?
Santa: you are great sir! Starting salary is OK but how much is DRIVING salary?


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Santa & Banta were looking at Egyptian mummy.
Santa: Look so many bandages, pakka accident case. Banta: Aaho, truck da number is also written... BC 1760 !!!.


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Banta: What do you call a wife who is beautiful, intelligent, understanding, caring, never jealous and a great cook?
Santa: Niri Afwah !!!


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Santa to wife: Did you hav any boy friend before marriage?
Wife remain silent.
Santa: Main is khamoshi ko kya samjhu?
Wife: Bewakoof, ginan tan de.

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Santa Radio lekar POTTY karne gaya.
Banta: Aaj toh mazey se ki hogi ?
Santa: Khaak mazey se ki, radio par Jan-Gan-Man aa gaya, khade-khade karni padi.


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Santa eats eight Butter Naan at a party and is suffering from Constipation.
Praying & crying in Toilet: Hey Wahe Guru...Ya toh JAAN nikal de, ya NAAN nikal de.


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Santa went to a museum where he broke a statue.
Officer: U have broken a 5000 years old statue.
Santa: Thank God, mainu lagga nava si…


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Santa gets a Cheque & throws it on the ground.
To see whether it'll BOUNCE or not!


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Santa: Mein Shimla ja raha hoon, jate hue raaste mein biwi ko khai mein dhaka de doonga.
Banta: Yaar meri bi le ja, use bhi dhaka de dena.
Santa: Theek hai, agar tu bura na maane use vaapsi pe dhaka de doon?


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Baniye shayar ne arz kiya.
Moorkh tha Shahjahan jo kar gaya kharcha itna TAJ par
Kambakht, Har din ek nayi Mumtaz aa jati us kharche ke BYAAJ par.


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Santa-Bus stand jane ke kitne paise?
Rikshawala: 10 Rs
Santa: 2 Rs mein chalega to theek hai
Rikshawala: 2 Rs mein kaun le ke jayega?
Santa: Peeche baith main lekar jata hoon.


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Santa: Mere mummy ne kal murga banaya.
Banta: Kinu, tenu ya tere bapu nu?


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Master: Kaka tenu pata hai ki teri umar wich Gandhi Ji, BA kar chuke si?
Santa: Sir tuhadi umar vich Bhagat Singh faansi vi chad chuke si.


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Bante di wife nu daaku chuk ke ley gaye.
Sarean ne keha "daaku khatarnaak ne, khali haath na jawin wife nu bachaun".
Banta 2-kg Amb ley gaya.


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Santa: Main aur meri girlfriend shaadi kar rahe hain.
Banta: Wow, Kab?
Santa: Meri 7 Dec ko aur uski 13 Jan ko.


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Jeeto: Main tang aa gayi haan. Tusi hamesha Mera Ghar, Meri Car, Mera Beta, bus Mera-Mera hi karde ho, kadi Sadda vi keha karo, hun almari vichon ki labh rahe ho?
Santa: Sadda Kachcha.


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Santa: Bhai, aapan har roz murge nal roti khaidee hai.
Banta: Yaar, oh kiven?
Santa: Ek burki aap khaidee aae, te ek murge nu paayee di hai.

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Santa: Tere result da ki banya?
Pappu: Madam kehndi iss class vich 1 saal hor lagna hai.
Santa: Pher theek hai, saal bhaaven 2-3 hor lag jaan, bass fail na hoeen.


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Ek kabutar ne Sante te bitth kar diti.
Santa: Oye teri maa ne tainu kachha pauna ni sikhaya?
Kabutar: Saleya tu kachha pa ke karda hain?


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Pappu: Dad what's Sex?
Santa gets tensed but explains everything.
Pappu: But dad, how do I write all that in this small box of school admission form?


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Santa: Is operation se mujhe kuchh ho gaya to isi doctor se shadi kar lena.
Jeeto: Aise kyo kah rahe ho?
Santa: Doctor se badla lene ka yehi 1 rasta hai!


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Interviewer: Aap kisi MAHILA mein sabse pehle kya dekhte hain?
Santa: O ji, wo is baat par depend karta hai ki woh aa rahi hai ya jaa rahi hai?


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Nurse- Congrats: Apke jurwa bete hue hain.
Santa: Ye to hona hi tha.
Nurse- Kyon?
Santa: Jab dekho KBC PART-2 dekhti rahti thi, Mil gaya na UMEED SE DUGNA


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Santa talking on phone.
Banta: Kis se baat kar rahe ho?
Santa: Biwi se.
Banta: Itne pyar se...?
Santa: Tumhari hai.


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Santa: Main ek eho jehi cheej labhi aa jeehday nal deewar de aar par dekhya ja sakda hai.
Banta: Balle! Ki cheej hai?
Santa: MORI


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Santa: What is the similarity between Bill Gates and Me?
Banta: Don't know.
Santa: Well... He never comes to my house & I never go 2 his!


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Santa & Banta are walking down the road when Banta says: Look at that dog with one eye!
Santa covers one of his eyes and says: Where?


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Girl: Will you love me after marriage also?
Santa: This depends on your husband, if he allows me.


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Jeeto to Santa: Stop looking at girls, you are married now.
Santa: U mean if I am on diet, I can't look at the menu also?


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Santa to Banta: Name 5 animals living in the water?
Banta: 1 Frog.
Santa: Theek hai hor das?
Banta: Frog da praah, bhen, piyo te maa.


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Santa: Qutub Minar kahan hai?
Pappu: Pata nahi.
Santa: Kabhi ghar se nikla karo.
Pappu: Ram Lal kaun hai?
Santa: Pata nahi.
Pappu: Kabhi Ghar me bhi raha karo.


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Santa proposing a girl: Darling kya tum mujse shadi karogi?
Girl: Tameez se baat karo.
Santa: Behan ji, kya aap mujhse shaadi karoge?

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Banta: Saadi teacher kehndi hai ke MAJJ da taaza dudh peen nal dimag wadhda hai.
Santa: Oye je ajehi gall hundi taan apna katta ajj IAS officer lageya hunda!


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Beggar: Oh sundari, andha hoon, paanch rupya de de.
Santa to his wife: De de, De de, tujhe sundari bola hai to har haal main ye andha hai.

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Santa: Oye tera vyah ho gya?
Banta: Haan.
Santa: Kuri naal?
Banta: Oye munde naal vi hunda hai kya?
Santa: Haan... Meri bhen da hoya si !


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A crow shits on a Banta. Preeto gives tissue paper to him.
Banta: Koi phayda nahin, kauwa toh ud gaya!


****************************************************************

Banta: Jab main paida hua tha to military walon ne 21 topein chalayeen thi.
Santa: Kamaal hai ! Sab ka nishana chook gaya ?


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Santa meets his old friend.
Santa: A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B, A & B.
Friend: Oye, iska matlab?
Santa: Kuch nahin yaar, I mean long time no C.

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Santa: Drinking n driving dono nalo naal nai ho sakde.
Banta: Why?
Santa: Je speed breaker aa gaya taa peg dul jau.

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Santa bar vich ro reha si.
Bartender: Kyon ro rahe ho?
Santa: Hor ki karan? Main jis kudi da naa bhulna chahunda si usda naam yaad hi nahin aa reha.


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Phone ki ring baji. Santa: Phone mere liye ho to kehna mein ghar pe nahin hoon.
Jeeto phone pe: Wo ghar pe hain.
Santa: Maine mana kiya that...
Jeeto: Phone mere liye tha!


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Santa to a doc: Apne nurse bahut achchi rakhi hai, uska haath lagtey hi mein theek ho gaya.
Doc: Jaanta hoon, thappad ki awaaz mujhe bhi sunai di thi.


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Santa: Oh yaar main badi mushkil mein hoon. Meri biwi mujhse ek pappi ka Ek rupeya leti hai.
Banta: Oh yaar tu lucky hai, auron se to woh 5 rupaye leti hai.


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Santa to Banta: Main apna purse ghar bhool aaya, mainu 1000 Rs chahide si.
Banta: Dost hi dost de kam aunda hai, le 10 Rs, riksha kar te purse le aa.


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Santa to Jeeto: Kaisi sabzi banai hai, bilkul Gobar jaisa swad hai.
Jeeto, maatha peet te hue: Hey bhagwan! Na jane inhone kya-kya kha ke dekha hua hai.


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Daku Mangal Singh Banta ke ghar mein ghusa aur bola: Sona kahan hai, jaldi bataao
Banta: Pura ghar khali hai malko, jithe marzi so jao!


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Teacher: Pappu, describe digestive system of a human being.
Pappu: Very simple, it starts with right hand & ends with left hand.


****************************************************************


Two days of powercut in Delhi had made life miserable.
Worst affected was Delhi Metro station where families of Santa & Banta were struck for 48 hrs on Escalators.


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Santa: Yaar meri aankhein dhang se nahin khulti, koi tarika batao.
Banta: Kisi din achanak apne ghar chale jaao.


****************************************************************


Santa: Oye, ladki dekh, kitni sohni hai.
Bata: Mujhe to uska naam bhi pata hai.
Santa: Kya naam hai.
Banta: Mein bank gaya tha, vahan yeh ek counter pe baithi thi, name plate pe likha tha: Chaalu Khata


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Pappu: Bapu idhar aa...
Jeeto: Aise nahin bolte beta, daddy ko izzat se bulate hai.
Pappu: Bapu, izzat ke sath idhar aaja.


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Santa and Banta were watching a cricket match and Dhoni hits a boundary.
Banta: Kya Goal mara.
Santa: Raha na bewakoof ka bewakoof, Goal ismein nahin cricket mein hota hai...


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Jeeto: Sharam aani chahiye, tumhare Banta ki bibi ke saath sambandh hain.
Santa: Sorry, par tumhe kaise pata chala?
Jeeto: Kal Banta aaya tha, usne tumhara underwear pehna hua tha...


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Sharaabi Santa knocks the door of his house. His wife opens the door.
Santa asks: Who are you?
Wife: How dare you forget your wife?
Santa: Nasha har gam ko bhula deta hai


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Santa: Doctor, ye phulon ki mala kis k liye?
Doctor: Ye mera pehla operation hai, success hua to mere liye, nahi to tumhare liye.

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Santa: Doc saab, mein Chashma laga ke pad to sakoonga?
Doc: Haan, bilkul.
Santa: To phir theek hai doc saab varna Anpad aadmi ki zindagi kisi kaam ki nahin.

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Santa: I got old age pension by showing grey hair on my chest.
Jeeto: Pant ki zip khol ke dikha dete to Disability Allowance bhi mil jaata

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Santa: Raat film vich ik chudail kade mere aggey, kade mere pichchey...
Jeeto: Kehri film si ?
Santa: Apne vyah di movie si !

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Once someone sent sms to Santa: Bhejnewala mahan, padhnewala gadha.
Santa got angry & replied: Bhejnewala gadha, Padhnewala mahan

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Santa joined NASA. After one month the Americans had to change the name from NASA to SATYANASA

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Ek baar Santa Gangubai ke ghar jaata hai aur darwaza knock karta hai.
Gangubai: Kaun ?
Santa: Main !
Gangubai: Main kaun?
Santa: Tu Gangubai

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Santa ne apne nawen jamme bachche nu pakdeya per usne Santa te sussu karta.
Santa to nurse: Bibi eh piece leak karda hai badal k le aa..!

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Santa: Bhagwane suit bada sohna paya hai.
Jeeto: Thank u G
Santa: Lipstick badi sohni laayi aa.
Jeeto: Thank u G.
Santa: Shingaar vi sohna kitaa aa.
Jeeto: Thank u G
Santa: Par sohni pher vi nahi lagdi...

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Girl: Will u marry me?
Santa: No, humare yahan shaadi sirf relatives mein hi hoti hai. Mummy ne Papa se, Didi ne Jijaji se aur Bhaiya ne Bhabhi se

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Banta: Yeh chaaku kyon ubaal rahe ho?
Santa: Suicide karne ke liye
Banta: To phir ubalne ki kya zaroorat hai?
Santa: Kahin infection na ho jaaye

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Santa: Today is Sunday & I wanna njoy, so I bought 3 movie tickets
Jeeto: Why 3?
Santa: For you and your parents

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Banta: Why do you take your wife only to night clubs?
Santa: By the time she gets ready no other place is open

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Lady Doc: Tum roz subah clinic ke bahar khade kar auraton ko kyon ghoorte ho?
Santa: Ji aap hi ne bahar likha hai: Auraton ko dekhne ka samay 9am-11am

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A man to Santa: Aao ji chess khediye.
Santa: Tu chal mein sports shoe paa ke hune aaya.

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In an interview,
Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Santa: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr.....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Santa: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

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Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated... drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

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Captain of Military: Naujawanon aage bado
Santa aage nahin bada
Captain: Tum aage kyun nahin bade?
Santa: Apne kaha 9 jawanon aage bado, mein 10ve number pe tha

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Banta: Yaar teri wife di maut da bara afsos hoya, vaise hoya ki si?
Sant: Goli lagi si mathe vich.
Banta: Waheguru ji da shukar kar ke akh bach gayi.

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Santa apni khoobsurat Biwi ke saath car mein baitha.
Driver ne sheesha set kiya.
Santa gusse mein bola, meri biwi ko dekhkta hai, piche baith, car mein chalaoonga!

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Santa: Tainu Sunny Deol da phone no pata hai...?
Banta: Nahin, kyon ki hoya?
Santa: Yaaar asi Nalka patauna si.

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Banta: You cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you.
Banta: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says This is All India Radio!

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Santa: O yaar hun meri kudi jawaan ho gayi hai, ki karan?
Banta: Karna ki hai, ohnu border te bhej de, saanu jawaanan di badi lor hai

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Sadhu: Bachcha teri biwi ko chuddail chimar gayee hai. Upaaye karvaao.
Banta: Upaaye? Baba, agar do behenein gale mil rahi hain to is mein harz hi kya hai ?

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Jeeto: Kyon ji, tussi gaddi di speed kyon vadha ditti?
Santa: Break fail ho gayi hai, accident hon to pehle hi ghar pahounch jaaiye.

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Jeeto: Dekho woh admi mujhe ghoor-ghoor ke dekh raha hai.
Santa: Woh to kabadia hai, raddi pe nazar rakhna uski aadat hai

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Santa: Agar tumhe kuch ho gaya to mein Pagal ho jaaunga.
Jeeto: Doosri shaadi to nahin karogey?
Santa: Pagal ka kya hai, kuch bhi kar sakta hai

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Banta: Yeh AUTOMATICALLY kya hota hai?
Santa: Oye tenuh eh vi nahin pata, Jab auto mein koi ganji ladki ja rahi ho to use kehte hain AUTO-ME-TAKLI


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Santa breaks an egg to make an omelet. He finds the egg empty. Gets frustrated & says: Aaj kal murguian bhi abortion karati hain

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Lady: Time kitna hua hai?
Banta: Bra Panties.
Lady: Time poocha hai Nonsense.
Banta: Time hi to bataya hai 12.35

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Santa suffering from cold was shivering. His son called a doctor.
Doc: What happened?
Son: Bimari da ta pata nahun par baapu saver da VIBRATION mode te lagaya hai

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Jeeto: Kal raat tum mujhe neend mein tumne mujhe gaaliyan di
Santa: Tumhari galat fahami hai.
Jeeto: Kaisi galatfahami?
Santa: Yehi ki mein soya tha.

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Girl to Banta: Kya shaadi k baad bi tum muje itna pyar karoge?
Banta: Kyon nahin? Mein to diwana hoon shadi-shuda aurton ka.

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Santa goes to buy a underwear. On choosing one he asks: How much for this?
Shopkeeper: Rs 500
Santa: Arey bhai daily wear dikhaao, Party wear nahin chahiye.

****************************************************************

Banta: Oye, tu to Doctor ke paas jaane waala tha, kya hua?
Santa: Yaar kal jaaonga, aaj thodi tabiyat kharab hai.

****************************************************************

Gurdas Maan: Santa ji, aapke bhai ki shaadi mein kitne gaane gaane hain, us hisab se rate lagega?
Santa: 2-3 gaa kar program shuru kar dena, baad mein sharabi baraat ne generator ki awaaz par hi naachte rehna hai

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Santa was standing in sun on a hot sunny day.
Banta asked: What are you doing?
Santa: Drying sweat

****************************************************************

Santa was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing and he answered: Waiting for autumn.

****************************************************************

Santa went to see a girl for marriage. Their families decided to leave them for some talk.
After some time, Santa asks: Behenji, tusin kinne behen-bhai ho?
Girl: Vaise taan 3 si, par hun 4 ho gaye.

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Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.

****************************************************************

Santa waitin at bus stop in UK along with 3 women.
When bus arrived, conductor picked the women & said: No more, no more
Santa: Saaleya Morniya char gaiyan bas wich, hun meri wari no mor

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Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?
Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.

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Santa: Yaar mein apni girlfriend nu gift dena hai, ki devan?
Banta: Gold ring de de.
Santa: Koi vadi cheez das yaar.
Banta: Tan phir MRF da tyre de de.

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Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Pappu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl.

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Santa ke bagiche mein bahut sare ped - paude thay, Santa naukar ko bola ped-paudon ko pani dal.
Naukar: Sahab baarish ho rahi hai.
Santa: Abe to Chatri leke dal.

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Santa: Sir hun meri salary wada diyo, mera vyah ho gaye hai.
Boss: Factory de bahar hon wale hadseyan layi factory jimmevar nahin hundi

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Santa dials a number. A girl receives the call.
Santa: Who are you?
Girl: Seeta here.
Santa: Maine to Chandigarh phone kiya tha, yeh to Ayodhya mil gaya

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Banta asked Santa: Why Manmohan Singh goes for a walk in evening?
Santa: Very simple, because he is PM not AM

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Banta ped pe chada to upar baithey Bandar ne poocha: Upar kyon aaya?
Banta: Apple khane.
Bandar: Yeh to aam ka ped hai.
Banta: Pata hai, Apple saath laya hoon.

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Nurse came out with the newborn kid, Santa rushed 2 her & after seeing the kid he shouted, PUTTAR hua PUTTAR.
She slapped him: Leave my finger, you fool, It's a girl...

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Santa went out to buy an Indian flag. The shop owner gave him the flag.
Santa bola... "Ismein aur colour dikhayiye".

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Santa Banta zid kar rahe c monkey dekhan di... so tuhade ghar da address dita hai.
Yaar 2-4 tapusian maar ke dikha deo bichare khush ho jaan ge.

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Santa went to battery shop and asked to change battery.
The shopkeeper asked: Exide laga du?
Santa: Dusri side tera baap lagayega kya?

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Banta: Marte waqt aadmi ko kya dena chahiye?
Santa: Birla cement.
Banta: Kyun?
Santa: Kyunki is Cement mein jaan hai.

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Preeto: Raat ko aap peeke gutter mein gir gaye the.
Banta: Kya bataoon, sub galat sangati ka asar hai, hum 4 dost... 1 bottle, aur woh teeno kambhakt peeten nahin.

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Banta ek sadhu se bola: Baba, meri biwi bahut pareshan karti hai, koi upay batao.
Sadhu: Beta, upaay hota to main sadhu kyun banta?

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Frog: Tumhare paas dimaag nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai.
Santa: Hai.
Frog: Nahin hai & jumps into the well.
Santa: Lo, hun isme suicide karne waali kya baat thi?

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Dress code 4 a party - BLACK TIES ONLY.
Banta goes for the party & is surprised to see that the other guests are wearing SUITS also!

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Liquor Prohibition

The following poster was introduced around 1919 (just before liquor prohibition started) and.................................





No wonder MEN kept drinking...

Do you also want to climb the ladder to success... LMAO ;-p

One day, Santa Singh came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Santa Singh figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Santa Singh saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Santa Singh really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.

Santa Singh couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward
Santa Singh.

Apprehensively, Santa Singh whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess."

Did you see...

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded all the money.

Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

Love Notes

Perversely confident, yet strangely unaware
A random request would leave me bare
For now realize doesn't matter how much I care
Lovelorn, emotionally I am a lay layer


In a one way journey, you bring me light you bring me day
But I just add to confusion I am the closed bay
It is you, all I think about every moment
And pray it’ll work out somehow, some way


Wish life was fair and love was fate
On the contrary today is too intricate
I meant it when I said “I do”
But you don’t really believe in a soul mate


Then why do I begin to get butterflies
Every time that I look into your eyes,
Is there a reason why my heart does skip a beat,
Forbidden fruit and a fatal desire
That I die after our lips passionately meet


Is this a joke
Was God being funny
Hopefully there is another reason
Maybe yet, it is a teaser of the movie playing
At the next fall, the next season


I wish you were here
Maybe I know that you are near
I shut my eyes and I find you there
Moment of truth, I find you nowhere


I love you more than I ever thought possible
Lust for you more than you could know
willingly would have fought with my creator
and hoped you didn't have to go


You are my spirit; you are the song of my soul
Cheers, to bonding, here I raise my toast
Spurn me, but be there to sing it for me
When I am down and I need it the most


And jerk who jerks, as I really am
but if you need, I will always be there;
there is no demon I won’t fight
for better or for worse, would always care


For you I seek all the stars of sky
and the power to fly
I wish, I prayed I was the fuel
Now dawned, destiny is merciless, is cruel


Every moment spent with you
Is like a beautiful dream come true
Have a dream to reveal
and want one infinite second with you
hoping against hope,
wishing that is also what you would have wanted to


When I’m with people and when I am alone
All I think about is you
All that is for now
have nothing else to do


When I wake up in the morning
and you’re the last thing I think about at night,
and when I fall asleep
I dream of holding you tight


I love you so much I hope you see,
your smile means the world to me,
Takes me to the cloud nine
Praying atheist, I wish you were mine


And there is nothing that I won’t do
Heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven
you are my Zenith as much as my Waterloo


You fear I have a zillion zones
With each maybe a thousand masks
Masks that you are afraid to take off
The fear of unveiling
The fear that maybe will make it impossible
For you to hate me
And I can't bear to be in this spot
Why can't we ever be… Why can't we ever be…


This is what I’ve become to be...


Love ya... more than I want to... more than you want me to...