Eons ago I had written a poem - Main Akela Hoon - for our school magazine Vidya.
Neither do I remember the year it was published nor do I recall the exact verses of the poem, but since the title is self-explanatory, and given the fact that as an only child living with a Dad who wasn’t keeping good health, and a Mom who was busy attending to him, I can say it with a fair bit of certainty that thepenning was about being lonely.
Much water flowed under the bridge since then. Over the past three decades, I made thousands of acquaintances, few hundred enemies and a handful of friends.
Yet that feeling of loneliness somehow lingered on all along these years,
On. And on.
Over the years, as the volume of loneliness went up and down, sometimes the crack shrank, sometimes the crater went greater, yet it remained, just like my insanity.
I was running away from myself. Or more aptly, I was running away from God. (God is within, remember!)
And the more I ran, the more I got caught.
Once in sheer anguish I penned…
Hoon hujoom mein akela, jaise mayyat pe laga ho koi jamghat
Shor-gul hai tanhaai, laash pe deemak ne lagaya hai majma
Like a termite infested corpse, am shouting a deafening silent cry
Final futile try to escape the loneliness inside the coffin of a sly
Alas! The cries found no escape. Nah sire, Zilch! But the blame lies only on me and no-one else since I myself was unwilling to hear my own screams.
Yeh Duniya agar mil bhi jaaye to kya hai
Yeh duniya agar lutt bhi jaaye to kya hai
सहस सिआणपा लख होहि त इक न चलै नालि ॥
Sahas siāṇpā lakẖ hohi ṯa ik na cẖalai nāl
Hundreds of thousands of clever tricks, but not even one of them will go along with you in the end.
Be it friends, family, or foes, no-one will die with me when it is time for me to die, yet "all" must have their say in the way I must live… Without even realizing the futility of this demand when even they all know that the moment I die, no-one is going to keep the dead body of a forty year old/young for an extra forty hours...
I found out that although if I were to die now, “sympathetic” people would say I died a young death, and yet the same worldly wise voices will vilify me if I wanted to live and not merely exist.
In numbness, I was turning indifferent to my own plight. The disenchantment was almost complete.
And then the threshold collapsed and I snapped.
Or maybe the threshold snapped and I collapsed.
Whatever!
It is then that I sought refuge in an eternally dependable and forever unchangeable support system.
I turned to God.
किउ छूटउ कैसे तरउ भवजल निधि भारी ॥
राखु राखु मेरे बीठुला जनु सरनि तुम्हारी ॥
Kio cẖẖūtao kaise ṯarao bẖavjal niḏẖ bẖārī.
Rākẖ rākẖ mere bīṯẖulā jan saran ṯumĥārī.
How can anyone be saved? How can anyone cross over the terrifying world-ocean?
Save me, save me, O my Lord! Your humble servant seeks Your Sanctuary.
And I found my senses.
All six of them. Including the common sense.
I realized that I had to listen to the inner voice rather than aimlessly attempting to forever gratify the insatiable worldly voices.
I realized that my captivity was an illusion, the cage was inexistent. I realized that the moment you believe you are free, you become free.
I realized that I wasn't duty bound to respond to every instance of negativity hurled towards me, neither with further negativity to even it out, nor with positivity in a futile hope to change others.
I realized that all I had to do was change me instead of trying to change the world.
I realized that there was no need for me to play the victim when I wasn’t even remotely interested in victimizing anyone else.
I realized that it is always better to trust an unknown future to An All Knowing God than to allow another human to judge me and decide my fate.
I realized that one always runs an inherent risk of being sold in the slave market the moment he/she calls another human being as lord, and thus only God Almighty, The Sovereign Lord of The Universe, must be my only lord.
धनवंता अरु निरधन मनई ता की कछू न कानी रे
राजा परजा सम करि मारै ऐसो कालु बडानी रे
Ḏẖanvanṯā ar nirḏẖan man▫ī ṯā kī kacẖẖū na kānī re.
Rājā parjā sam kar mārai aiso kāl badānī re.
It gives no special consideration to either the rich or the poor.
The king and his subjects are equally killed; such is the power of Death.
I realized that be it a king or a pauper, rich or poor; everyone will die, but the responsibility that when death comes, it finds me alive rests solely on me and not on any other human. I realized that I might as well as live my life in happiness since no-one is actually bothered if I am miserable. I realized that no matter what games people play, I must not play any games with them or myself.
I realized that neither may I ever try to be a messiah for anyone else (That’s God’s job, not mine), nor look outwards for a messiah to resuscitate me because the only viable messiah available for me is me.
As I undertook the most important journey of my life, the journey within, I realized that the transition from “Main Akela Hoon” to “Main Azaad Hoon” always had to be within and never without.
I realized that when loneliness became solitude, it became a blessing,
I realized that when Divine fills the vacuum, nothing remains amiss.
I realized that awakening in itself is nirvana, courage in itself is resuscitation, and faith in itself is salvation.
I learned few simple but effective lessons.
I don’t have to control thoughts. I only have to stop the thoughts from controlling me.
I don’t have to control people. I only have to stop people from controlling me.
Yes, admittedly it is just the start, it still is a long journey and it will end only when the river will merge into the ocean.
Am I the Pied Piper of Hamelin playing pipe? Will the wise doomsayers be proved right that I’d fall off the cliff listening to my own music?
Who knows?
I believe in myself and I believe in my God.
I’d just do my bit and then whatever will be, will be. Que Sera, Sera.
So please help me God. Amen.
